Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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