got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
