I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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