Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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