Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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