Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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