Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
