My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
