I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
