I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
