Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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