Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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