so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Houston, we have a squirter
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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