why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
