y did u give ur computer a hand job?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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