so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize