the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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