Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
