Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
