i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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