He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
