I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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