Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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