I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
