I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
