Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
