Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I deserve to be covered in dicks
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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