i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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