Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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