I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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