its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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