my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
