I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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