The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
