4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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