Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
