i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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