When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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