I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
