I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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