Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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