wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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