u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize