wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
