It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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