so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
