She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
