what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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