sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
