I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
