Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My pussy is not your playground.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
