Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
