i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
