She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize