I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
