apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
