she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
