Having a random hookup so left but love u
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
