Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i think my cat just said my name.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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