I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
