Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
